Fears and Reassurances

I was gripped by massive fears Saturday. So severe, I was afraid to write about them. But I think they’re mostly gone now. Maybe temporarily, but at least they’ve left once and that gives me some reassurance they might not stick around when they come again.

I think things were just going too well. I felt a little queasy, but not so much that I couldn’t eat (a little). I wanted to sleep most of the time, but that’s how I’d like to spend most weekends. But Murphy was an optimist and I just knew things had to get worse.

Or, as Paul Simon says:

When something goes right
Well it’s likely to lose me,
It’s apt to confuse me.
It’s such an unusual sight.
Oh, I can’t, I can’t get used to something so right
Something so right.

Charlie and I talked, lots, at least when I was awake. Yeah, cancer is bad. But just about everything else that has happened since has been incredible. We’re had support from friends and family and colleagues and people we’ve never even met. Medical care in Macon is astonishing. Yeah, we don’t get the cutting edge research that we’d have in Shands at UF, but the level of concern for patient and family here just isn’t something we’ve seen anywhere else.

Then, I was well enough to go to church Sunday morning. The services at St. Francis are usually pretty on target, but every once in a while, they’re aimed exactly at me and where I am. A few months ago, there was a sermon Laura Lewis and I knew was written just for us. Yesterday’s service seemed designed just for me and others like me living with fears.

It was especially interesting how much walking through fire safely was a theme. The first of my chemo drugs is affectionately nicknamed “The Red Devil” so I feel I’ve dealt with a little fire. With hymns like How Firm a Foundation:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame will not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume and they gold to refine.

and, from WLP 811:

You shall cross the barren desert but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety though you do not know the way.
Be not afraid, I go before you always.
Come and follow me and I will give you rest.

Well, I’m off to try school. Not quite as afraid as I was Saturday, but still going to be careful. Wish me luck.


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