Laurie White’s Blog

Well,

I’ve had to face that miserable fact that I’m not SuperWoman. Sure, chemotherapy was rough, but I was in class every day afterwards, except for the first time. (And I missed class after my first chemo because I wasn’t sure how I’d be affected and it was easier to cancel classes than wait and see how I’d feel. And it was Veteran’s Day and, dammit, I should have Veteran’s Day off.)

But I had surgery a week ago and just got back to classes today. I wasn’t sure if I’d be ready to go back to school the day after I got out of the hospital, but I was sure I’d get there at some point last week. But no. I was off a whole week after surgery. And I reallio-trulio didn’t feel like going to class today. Unlike those times I’d feel the need to just force myself through the chemotherapy exhaustion, I would have been quite happy to stay curled up in my recliner all day.

Now, getting out and seeing the folks at church was wonderful for my spirit yesterday and if I had any sense, I wouldn’t have objected to going to work so much, but, well, who says I have any sense?

To my dismay, it was probably very, very good for me to go back to work today. Having to talk to people about what was going on forced me to find an approach other than the miserable self-pity I’ve been wallowing in. I mean, does anyone who asks how you’re feeling really want to know the constant pain that drains cause? Do they want to know how p.o.ed I am that I have to go back and have more surgery Friday since the pathology report showed cancer at the margins (even there is officially no cancer in the lymph system–something that wallowing in self-pity keeps me from being ecstatic about).

Com’on…as you’re reading this, all this whining is a bit much, isn’t it? I mean, this is happening to me and I find the last paragraph a bit tedious.

So instead I talked to real frat boys about projectile vomitting and compared notes on the “balls” we’re carrying around with other members of the department (yeah, I’m the only female faculty member, so I hadn’t been able to discuss this sort of stuff with them before). So I did refind my bad sense of humor and it’s been that bad sense of humor that’s gotten me through so far.

That, and the prayers and concern and support of dozens (hundreds?) of people. And I was reminded at church yesterday and at work today that I still have all that as well.